


Beautiful Thinking; a Well Mind

by DollBlood



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Magic, Mental Illness, Nonbinary Character, Past Abuse, Witchcraft, but it's mostly from the rowdy's point of view, comes in about mid way through season 1, oc and rowdy 3 centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-02-22 10:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13165326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DollBlood/pseuds/DollBlood
Summary: They're on the run - from their family, from their past, from their so called friends. So what if these newly-found people literally make them feel sick to their stomach? A dirty van feels far safer than anywhere they've ever been before.





	1. Aconite

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, i'm Wheeler and my talents include depression naps, making self inserts, and posting new stories i've been working on for months in secret instead of updating literally any of my other posted works.
> 
> this started as a self insert, and like everything else i ever make for myself, became a whole lot more. i wrote the first 3 chapters like,,, a year ago, when i first watched season 1, so its not as good as i thought it was, and some of it may not work entirely with what we know now with the 2nd season, but i really like the story so whatever.
> 
> Chapter titles are plants/herbs used with magic. Aconite - *poison* Protection, Invisibility.

The wind was chilly as Eunoia sat in the middle of the small park. On one side, sat a familiar red car - one that could be mistaken for any other car, it was so generic - but this one, they knew. The mirrors were a different color of red than the body, after the originals had been stolen. They could see the black ice air freshener swinging on the mirror inside the car, and three human silhouettes sat silently for the most part. If they did make sound, it would be pretty easily drowned out.

The other side of the park, was a graffitied van that rocked back and forth and whose inhabitants hooted and hollered along to whatever they were doing inside.

Eunoia calmed their breathing as best they could as another gust of wind hit them in the face. After twenty five minutes of walking to try to hide, it was pretty clear that they wouldn't be leaving this park on foot. Either by force, or by getting help. It was fairly easy to see which direction would be the safer choice.

Today was not going well. At all.

* * *

Martin crouched on the console of his van as he watched his Rowdy 3 interact with Amanda. He took a drag from his cigarette and chuckled as Cross crushed a beer can against his head. He howled and the others joined in, even drummer girl. Martin was proud of his little group.

The little moment was ruined, however, when three consecutive knocks hit against the van door.

Cross, Gripps, and Vogel looked to him, his own confusion mirrored back on their faces.

"... aren't you going to answer?" Amanda asked quietly.

"Nobody's there." Vogel tried to whisper back to her. None of them really got the handle of talking quietly, so it came out harsh.

"What do you mean? Someone knocked."

"Can't smell them." Gripps muttered, staring at the door.

"What, you mean like the emotions?"

"We could track your friend a state away. Everyone has a smell. There is no smell on the other side of the door, besides the people in the houses." Martin muttered, finally. He made his way to the sliding door and hesitated before opening it all at once.

It took all of a second after seeing the person to suddenly be overwhelmed with a strong smell of panic. How they had missed it before was beyond Martin. The others seemed just as shocked. Vogel had gone as far as pressing himself against the other side of the van wall to get further from the shock.

They were odd. A large floppy black felt hat covered much of their head and face, but they moved it up to look at him. The breeze picked up and blew their black skirt around their legs, and their dark purple button up was missing a few buttons. His gaze was drawn to their lips, painted with a purple so dark it was nearly black against sickly pale skin. 

"I'm sorry," they said, not looking at any of them. "But i need to get out of here. There's, well, ugh..." they shook their head, hat flopping with the movement, steeled their nerves, and looked up, over Martin's shoulder.

"I've been being followed by the people in that red car for half an hour now, and I know that should they actually find out where I'm headed, I'll be in deep shit. I don't want my stalkers to know that I don't have anywhere to actually go to sleep. Can I- well, you're all threatening enough, can I just sit in here for a while until they leave?"

They all stared at the person who defied all emotion-vampire logic. Even now, their scent was fading in and out, like they could hide it if they concentrated. That wasn't something just anyone could do.

Martin stepped out of the van, standing to his full height to circle them. They fidgeted under his stare, but they fidgeted more as they glanced over their shoulder at the small, inconspicuous red car that sat across the park. He could at least smell them now, though. They were scared, more so than maybe the normal person. A normal person wouldn't come to them for help, either.

"Get in." He muttered and crawled back in quickly. They hesitated, making sure that he had said what he did, then scrambled after him. They were smaller than all of them, even with the bizarre shoes they wore that flaunted four inch thick wooden soles.

Gripps shut the door, and they just sat in the corner after thanking them all quietly. They made themselves small, forgettable, nearly invisible through the cigarette smoke and dimness inside the van. And Martin would have forgotten about them, had it not been for the occasional spike of fear and panic that came off of them.

He sat back in the drivers seat and stared across the park at the red car. The windows were fogged up, much like theirs would be, if they had more besides the ones in the front. There was definitely movement inside of it, though, and now that he was concentrating, there were a few negative vibes coming from the people inside.

He looked back, and the Rowdy 3 were back to talking, be it quieter now. They would occasionally glance at their guest, but not so long that they became uncomfortable.

They still looked incredibly small and distressed, though.

"What's your name?" He asked them quietly. They jumped, and looked up at him slowly.

"Umm... do you want what I go by or my... real name?"

"Whatever you're comfortable with."

"Eunoia, then. I haven't used my birth name in years."

"Eunoia. Hmm." He nodded and put out his cigarette as it became too short. "Come up here for a sec."

They scrambled over the console and sat in the passenger seat, not without taking a long glance out across the park and sighing when the car was still there.

"You said they're stalkers?"

"Yeah... been for years now. Used to stalk some friends of mine too, but they moved away and it's just gotten worse for me."

"They hurt you?"

"Not yet. Constantly worried they will, though. 'Specially now."

He looked over his glasses at them and raised his eyebrows, and they sighed.

"My coven kicked me out after I came out as nonbinary to them. Nowhere to go home to, now." They stopped, frowned, and looked up at him. "I don't know why I'm telling you."

"Can I see your hand?" He asked as softly as he could, and they complied. He turned their hand palm up and held it with one of his own, that was much bigger than theirs. He held his other hand over their palm, and looked them in the eye as he took what panic he could from them. A good portion of it was stubborn, and wouldn't leave their body, but they did visibly relax.

"What...?"

"You want them gone?" He asked, pointing at the car, and they nodded. He nodded right back and jumped out of the van, only to walk around to slide the side door open and pick up his bat, and let out a loud howl to rile up his Rowdy 3.

They perked up immediately and jumped out of the van, picking up their weapons of choice on their way out. Amanda grabbed a wrench, and Martin picked up a smaller hammer, and opened the passenger door to hand it the Eunoia.

"Let's go."

They took the hammer, looked at the rest of the weapons, at the red car, and let a wide smirk spread across their face.

Some bracelets on their wrists jangled when they hopped out of the van, and ran after them. How they could, with the bulk of their shoes, was lost on Martin.

Vogel was already halfway across the park, jumping and hooting at any chance he got, and Amanda was right there with him.

Despite them being at the front of the pack, it was Gripps who got the first hit in. He threw his sledgehammer and it became lodged in the windshield, and caused the people in the car to scream. Vogel laughed and jumped on top of the car, and wailed on the roof as the rest of them circled up around the car.

Eunoia hung back as the car took their beating, until Martin called out and they stopped. He pushed them forward, hoping for them to throw a blow, but they had something else in mind.

They opened the drivers side door, dragged the driver out and shoved him to the ground and gave him a hard kick before spitting on him.

"Fuck you, Carlo." They hissed, and the Rowdy 3 cheered. "Shouldn't have ever told him to take it easy on you. World would be a lot nicer without you in it." They must have been referencing something from their years of being stalked, but it wasn't the right time to pry. maybe it never would be, since this meeting with the odd person was going to be a short one.

The man on the ground was a stringy, black haired guy who smelled like weed and alcohol. The two in the back seat didn't have anything better going for them, either.

"Consider this your warning, fucker."

They turned, started walking, but stopped and threw the hammer they held and it broke one of the mismatched mirrors off of the car.

They started walking back towards the van, but paused halfway. A new, different kind of panic started to come off of them.

The Rowdy 3 and Amanda raced back to the van, happy as can be, but Martin stopped when Eunoia did.

"You coming?"

"I should get out of your hair." They said, shaking their head.

He looked them up and down, doubtful.

"You let me stay in the van for a while and scared the shit out of them. That's more than I could ask for. And it's getting dark. I need to get to the homeless shelter." They had a bag on their shoulder that blended in with their dark clothes, and they hefted it a little. It couldn't have held more than two outfits and maybe some food in it. it was pathetic, really.

"Come on. Tonight you're with us."

They stared at him, then broke out in a giddy grin.

"Really? You want me with you?"

He hummed and they followed him back to the van. The others greeted them with hollers, as if Eunoia had been with them for years.

Even if this would be a fleeting moment in their life, it was nice. They felt safe, as long as they could ignore the anxiety that made their stomach feel like a pot about to boil over.


	2. Borage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eunoia doesn't particularly want, or need answers, but the Rowdy 3 are very persuasive. At least they got some of their stuff out of it. Their teacher still sucks, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates won't normally be this fast, i just hate leaving any of my stories at one chapter for very long.

Eunoia didn't know how to respond to kindness all that well. They had been taught all their life that people like the Rowdy 3 weren't nice people, at all. Yet when they were having the worst day of their life, they were the ones who were there to comfort them.

They tried to ignore the strange glances the boys would send them occasionally. Amanda didn't look at them like they were some strange creature to be figured out, so they talked to her, mostly.

She was sick with something they had never heard of, but when described, felt all too familiar.

"My nerves are, like, broken." She snorted at her own description, "I get these hallucinations because my nerves process inputs wrong, so breathing could feel like drowning, holding something can feel like getting stabbed."

"Oh."

"Yeah. It sucks."

"I don't have the exact same thing, but I do have hallucinations." They said in a small voice. "I mean, I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to overshadow you, cause that's terrible, but, yeah, I kinda get it."

"Really?" Eunoia looked up from Amanda, and saw Cross staring at them curiously.

"It's nothing like nerve damage or... but I have a personality disorder on the schizo spectrum. Makes me see, hear, and feel things that aren't there. But it's generally not as... painful as yours. Just annoying."

Amanda laughed and nodded.

"Well pararibulitus is pretty fucking annoying too."

Eunoia chuckled, and Vogel sprawled himself across Amanda's lap, and half way onto Eunoia's. He smiled up at them with his classic wild look.

"Where are you from?"

"I-I've lived here all my life."

"No, no, where do you come from? What made you wind up here, now?"

"Well..." they glanced around, only to see everyone but Martin was paying attention to their answer now. Martin wasn't, probably only cause he was driving.

"As I said, lived here all my life. Used to live with my parents, but they didn't understand me, my illness, or my interests, so when I turned nineteen, I ran away and joined a coven."

"Wait, so you're like a witch?" Amanda asked. Eunoia nodded.

"Lived with them ever since, until today. Something like... ten or so years."

"What happened? What happened?" Vogel asked excitedly, almost vibrating in their laps. They laughed at his excitement.

"Got kicked out for not identifying myself as a girl anymore. Who knew that they thought people who identify as nothing can't do magic. Though," they muttered, "should've caught on when they got mad at me for being ace, since apparently a witch has to be able to do sex magic too."

The Rowdy 3 all had looks of disgust on their faces. For a moment, Eunoia felt fear grip them as they worried that the disgust was aimed at them.

"That's stupid." Gripps said.

"Yeah what a load of bullshit." Cross shot back.

"Should we fuck them up?" Vogel asked, his tone innocent, but his words not so much. Eunoia's shock must have shown on their face, because Gripps laughed and lightly shoved their shoulder on his way to grab another beer.

"You're not the only one here who doesn't like that shit."

"You mean..."

"We're all like that. Well. Drummer girl maybe not. But the Rowdy 3 don't have time for all that."

They relaxed.

"I know that coven wasn't a good coven to be in. They supported me not having friends outside of it. Were really toxic. I know most covens aren't like that, but it was the only one in my area, and I was too nervous to leave."

"What kinda magic do you do?" Cross asked, effectively changing the subject. "You say you're a witch, what magic you do?"

"Oh, uh, I work with runes a lot." They held up one of their hands, showing a bracelet with metal pieces hanging off of it. Each metal piece had a rune engraved on it. The pieces clinked together when they moved.

"Also got some stuff for potions and hex bags, but not a lot. Most of it got taken back by the coven. Nepenthe didn't want me doing much once I was kicked out."

"Nepenthe?" Gripps asked quietly.

"The coven leader."

The boys gave each other looks, but didn't say anything on the matter.

Martin stopped suddenly and jumped out of the car and screamed something unidentifiable. The other boys jumped up and followed him while grabbing their weapons of choice. Amanda and Eunoia looked out the door, to see them beating up a police car.

"That's not legal." Eunoia muttered.

"More not legal than beating up your stalkers?"

"They weren't police."

Martin was holding out his bat to them, and Amanda jumped out to take him up on his offer. Eunoia hesitantly followed, but hung back as they beat up the car. It wasn't like beating up that old red car that had haunted them day and night for years. They didn't know this person - this cop. There wasn't any reason for them to hurt them like they did to Carlo.

They were pulled from their internal debate with a scream from Amanda. The boys surrounded her and Eunoia stood behind Martin as she held her hands out in front of her, as if there was something on them, something causing her pain. Cross slowly approached her, his hands held in front of him.

Just like with Martin earlier, blue energy escaped Amanda's hands and was suctioned into Cross's.

"You won't have to worry bout that shit anymore." He whispered.

Amanda looked at all of them, and when Eunoia got a look at her expression, they understood what had happened.

Well, that she was having an attack. The blue energy was still a mystery, but they felt awkward asking about it at this point.

"You ok?" They asked, and Amanda slowly nodded. They sighed. "Are we... are we done beating up the cops?"

Vogel laughed at them and nodded as he helped Amanda stand up.

They climbed back into the van, and set off to their next destination, wherever that may be.

"Wait, what time is it?" Amanda asked after a few minutes of driving, pulling her phone out. "I should get back, Farah is probably expecting me back at the apartment."

Martin nodded and turned a sharp corner, supposedly towards wherever Amanda had to go. Vogel fell out of his seat from the force of the turn, and laughed. His laughter was infectious, and soon the whole group was laughing and hollering as per usual.

* * *

Eunoia had a bad feeling about the apartment building Amanda was dropped off at. None of the others seemed worried, and Amanda said her brother had lived there for years, so they shook off the creeping feeling. They did not take up Amanda's offer of coming in, though. The Rowdy 3 kept the van parked in front of the building for several minutes, to make sure that she got to the apartment safely.

While they waited a woman went up the steps and into the building. The look of her set their nerves on fire. Martin seemed to notice.

"What's wrong?"

"Who is that?" They asked, staring at the woman with the cool hair and jacket.

"Don't really know." Cross mumbled. "Saw her with Dirk the other day."

The rest of them shrugged.

"I don't like the feel of her. Somethin's off..." Eunoia mumbled.

"The feel?" Martin asked, turning around in the drivers seat.

"I get feelings about people. I mean, sometimes. Generally avoid people that I get vibes from. Besides you, but that was a bad situation."

Martin turned back around and put his cigarette to his lips and hummed lightly. He seemed to be thinking, but eventually he shrugged and started driving again. Amanda had waved out the window, and her weird friend was on her way up, so he knew she was safe.

After a few minutes of driving, he called Cross up to the front.

"Watch Eunoia." He muttered, rubbing his nose but not looking away from the road.

"What?"

"Their emotions. Watch em. I've got a theory I wanna check out."

Cross shrugged and went back to where Eunoia sat. They smiled at him when he sat down, and took off their hat to get it out of their face, finally. Their hair was shaved on the back and sides, and a few inches longer on top. The shaved portion was bleached to an off-white color.

Cross couldn't help but run his hand through it.

Eunoia jumped at the sudden touch, but quickly melted into his hand. He chucked at their action.

"Thanks." They muttered as they leaned against his shoulder.

"Hmm?"

"For taking me in for the night. Haven't felt..." they waved their hands around, as if they could find the words they were looking for in the air. "Felt... niceness? taken care of? I dunno... whatever. Not in a long time."

He nodded and threaded his fingers through their hair again, scratching at their scalp. They sighed and sat back into him.

Martin took another sharp turn.

Eunoia had just closed their eyes, relaxed, but they were suddenly very awake, and clutching at their stomach.

"Ugh..."

"What's wrong?"

Cross could smell their panic coming off of them in waves. It wasn't caused by anything, and it didn't smell like the normal fear he was used to, but it was there, and was clearly affecting them.

"Sorry, god I hate this..."

"What?"

"This stupid fucking anxiety." They spat. "Acts up randomly for no reason. Ties my stomach up in knots and it's always hard to calm down from the attacks." They began breathing in an odd pattern, and the panic smell became muted, like he was smelling it from several miles away.

Gripps set a bottle of water on the ground by their feet and crouched in front of them, then patted their leg to try to calm them down.

Martin had slowed the van to a stop, but he glanced back to the scene in the back and stepped on the gas, red light be damned. It was two am, anyways. Barely anyone was on the streets.

Eunoia slid onto the floor of the van, clutching their stomach and groaning.

"I'm sorry, guys. I hate this, I hate this..." they continued to mutter, until Martin was several blocks over, and parked the van in an empty lot. He jumped over the console and crouched in front of Eunoia as he took a drag. He looked them over, trying to see something that wasn't there, then slowly blew the smoke out.

"What do you know about Blackwing?"

Eunoia's nervous stomach had relaxed after the van stopped moving, but they were still on edge from the attack. They stared at him like he had grown a second head.

"What?"

He grabbed their chin and tilted their head from left to right, but didn't find anything that he seemed to be looking for.

"Blackwing. Ever heard about it?"

"Martin-" Gripps started, but he held up a hand and he went quiet.

"I've never heard of that. It- it sounds like a video game."

"Project Icarus, project incubus. Sound familiar?"

"Well I know the myths, but nothing about projects?"

Martin ran a hand down his face and sighed, then paused.

"Earlier. Earlier, while talking to our drummer girl." He used his cigarette to point at them. "You mentioned someone named Nepenthe."

"...my coven leader? I mean. Ex coven leader?"

"Project Nepenthe."

"Excuse me?"

"Cross, you remember her?"

"I didn't like her."

"I'm sorry, what is going on?" Eunoia asked. They had backed up into Gripps' legs, and wound up basically sitting on his feet. Having something to hang onto helped ground them and kept them from panicking again.

"You sayin she got out too?" Vogel asked, and Martin nodded.

"Likely." He stared at Eunoia for a moment more before standing and rummaging through a trunk. "We'll figure out what to do tomorrow with our drummer girl. Let's get some sleep for now."

He pulled out a flat air mattress and threw it to the back of the van, where there was more space, then a few blankets. Vogel was pumping up the mattress, which seemed to be held together with duck tape, and Cross had wrapped himself in a blanket. Eunoia still clung to Gripps' leg. He ran a hand through their hair, and they sighed.

"You ok?"

"Haven't... had the best day."

He nodded and sat back in his seat.

* * *

It took Vogel a while to pump the mattress up enough, but it was eventually done, and he and Cross were the first to jump on. Eunoia had let go of Gripps' leg in favor of rustling through their bag, and so he joined them soon after. They were all laughing over something Vogel had said, but Eunoia wasn't listening. They were looking for their sleeping draft and makeup wipes to take off their lipstick.

"Hey."

They jumped and looked up at Martin. He really did tower over them, even hunched over to fit in the van. He held a small blanket out to them.

"Sorry bout earlier. You can join us when you're ready."

They didn't understand fully until they watched him fall back onto the air mattress, making Vogel fly up several inches, and ending up with more raucous laughter.

They turned back to their bag and pulled out their wipes and their potion box carefully. Their vials clinked as they looked through what they had, hoping that their medicine was there. They messily wiped their lips as they did so, not really caring how much makeup they took off. After several tense seconds on their part, they pulled out a vial with light purple liquid sloshing inside and grinned.

"What's that?"

Vogel had crept up behind them very suddenly, and they almost dropped the vial.

"You scared me!" They gasped, but Vogel only smiled.

"It's a sleeping draft. I can't sleep well without it." They grabbed the water bottle Gripps had gotten for them earlier, and poured a few drops of the liquid into it before closing it, shaking it, and then twisting the bottle back open and taking a few sips.

Vogel watched intently.

"Is that it? The magic?"

"Magic is all about your intent. You don't always have to say your intentions out loud, though. I'm not good at talkin much so I use spells that can be done silently."

They were ready to just hunker down with the blanket Martin had given them, but Vogel tugged on their arm.

"Come to bed." He said with a smile. 

Eunoia was too tired to fight him, so they followed him to the air mattress and let him settle them both as close to the center of the pile of punks as he could get. The others welcomed them with open arms.

"We'll get things settled tomorrow." Martin muttered to them as they all slowly drifted off to sleep.

* * *

"So wait, you mean your witch coven was run by someone like you guys and Dirk?" Amanda asked the next day after Cross explained what had happened after she was dropped off.

"Who's Dirk?" Eunoia asked.

"Weird psychic who hangs out with that woman from last night. He’s the project Icarus that Martin mentioned." Gripps muttered, and they nodded, their mouth going into an 'O' shape.

"So is this Nepenthe like you? The vampire thing?"

Eunoia was very confused.

"Vampire?"

Everyone in the van stared at them with varying levels of disbelief.

"You didn't notice?" Martin asked, "the blue energy I took from you? Amanda's attack last night?"

"I noticed that, but it doesn't exactly scream vampire to me?"

Amanda snorted.

"Not the usual vampires. Emotion vampires. And not really like that anyways. But they help when I have attacks. Suck out my panic and fear."

Eunoia nodded again, slower.

"That... I guess makes sense? I was more relaxed after you did that with my hand."

"We can smell emotions. Lets us know when someone is having panic attacks. Drummer girl has some tasty feelings." Vogel said. "But we can't always smell you. Like you're hidin."

"I'm what?"

"I think Nepenthe taught you how to mask your emotions from us. She's the only one that knew how, back in Blackwing." Martin explained. "But we can't know for sure unless we go talk to her."

"Go... oh, no, I can't go back there. I was kicked out."

"She can hide from us. We need you to show us where she is."

"I can't. Why do you- why do you think I'm a part of the project thing?"

"Last night." Martin said. "Last night I drove by where I saw the CIA lurking earlier. When I got there you got that panic attack. You had a bad feeling about that woman who's been around Dirk. You had a bad feeling about us, at the park. You can sense all of this shit."

"I-I... I can  _what_?"

He leaned in close to them and motioned towards their head.

"There's somethin in there that can sense people close to Blackwing."

"I literally just learned about you guys. How could I- how could I know about you?"

"Maybe Nepenthe knows." Cross said. "She did love learning new secrets."

Eunoia looked from face to face, and was only met with hope and curiosity. They sighed.

"Fine. I'll take you to her. But I hope you really do know what you're walking into." They stood and opened the back doors of the van to look around their surroundings.

They weren't completely familiar with this neighborhood, but if there was one thing that Nepenthe had taught them, it was a way to always find their way back to her.

They hopped out of the van, and bent down to untie their bulky shoes. After setting them back into the van, they went to the sidewalk and stood still, just concentrating on their breathing.

"What are you doing?" Vogel asked, and they glanced at him over their shoulder. All of their new friends were watching them from the back of the van.

"Finding Nepenthe. I can feel her if I concentrate."

The others looked at each other, then settled down to watch them work their magic.

Eunoia took several deep breaths, closed their eyes, and held their hands out in front of them, palms down. They could feel the flow of magic within the earth, within each person, but there was one certain flow they were looking for. One that they had looked for many times before. The powerful force from the people in the van behind them washed their mind in a vibrant mix of blues and silvers, and the people in the apartment complex down the street showed up as faint purples and oranges. Nepenthe had a very special color, though, and they'd be damned if they couldn't find it.

Without opening their eyes, they turned and walked a few steps forward. Warmer colors appeared, and they grinned. As they concentrated, the colors formed the vague outline of buildings and streets. Cities had a magic all their own, and even the buildings could emit a hint of power, should someone know how to look for it.

"This way." They said, and began walking. "Follow in the van, it may be a while."

"Aren't you getting in too?" Amanda asked.

"My feet need to stay on the ground." They refused to open their eyes, and continued to walk. They heard the van start up behind them, and the rumble shook the faint images of buildings in their mind.

As they walked, their senses heightened. The longer they stayed in this trance-like state, the stronger their magic would grow, but at the sacrifice of their mind. They often suffered from intense hallucinations after staying for too long.

They kept this in mind, but steadied their breathing and trudged on. Their nerves would find Nepenthe, even if the colors didnt.

* * *

The Rowdy 3 were growing bored. Eunoia could tell from the howls coming from the van behind them. They had lost track of time, but it must have been a long while. They were about to open their eyes and take a break from the task at hand, when a familiar red seeped into view. It was dark and brownish, like dried blood, and spoke mountains of Nepenthe as a person. Red was a powerful color for magic, and the darker colors were in Eunoia's mind, the more their mind really wanted to avoid them. They had always thought Nepenthe was at least a little different. Not anymore, though.

Their body froze instinctively.

"Are you ok?" Amanda shouted from the van.

Their whole body shivered, but they took a long breath in and let it out with a shutter.

"I found her. Park the van."

They waited until they felt that everyone was with them on the sidewalk and started walking again.

"Wait, are your eyes closed? Have they been the whole time?" Cross asked from their right, and they could help but laugh.

"You didnt notice?"

"We were behind you?"

They shrugged and walked a few more minutes until they stopped in front of the building that leaked Nepenthe's color.

Slowly, they opened their eyes and looked up at the familiar building. It was always the same building, but Nepenthe was a powerful witch. She could move it around the city, around certain empty lots she had charmed beforehand. That was why Eunoia had to use the sight to find it every time. It wasn't always in the same place.

They let out a shaky breath as they stared up at the dark wood of the old charms shop. Incense smoke drifted out of the open door, and a distinct smell of cloves followed it.

"She's here."

The Rowdy 3 and Amanda looked up at it with disbelieving looks.

"She's too uptight for a shack like this." Cross said.

"She's here."

"Nepenthe? Selling her magic? That's not like her." Gripps muttered.

"She's here."

"If Eunoia says she's here, we might as well check it out." Martin said, swinging his bat over his shoulder. He stepped across the threshold and the rest of them followed suit. In Eunoia's case, very hesitantly.

The shop was dark, lit almost entirely with candles. The scent of clove incense and smoke was thick, and had the Rowdy 3 and Amanda not already been smokers, they would have likely choked on the air. Eunoia was used to the spiced herb-scented smoke, and merely shrugged it off as they made to stand near Martin to point the way.

There was, in fact, no one in the shop itself besides them.

"She's in the back." Eunoia said, and moved towards a doorway with beads hanging over it. They stood next to it as the Rowdy 3 went through, but Vogel hesitated.

"Vogel?"

He grinned, and raced back to one of the wares tables in the shop and hit several vials and crystals with his bat; sending them flying.

Eunoia raised an eyebrow at him as he headed back to them, a wild look in his eye.

"Not used to entering without breaking too." He laughed, and Eunoia couldn't help the small smile as they followed him into the back room.

The smile faded, though, when they saw what greeted them.

Through the smoke, they saw Nepenthe on her throne, watching Martin with a curious eye. Her mink fur was draped across her shoulders, and her lips were as dark as her magic color. Her black hair was in her usual bun, held together with an abundance of bobby pins and the traditional Japanese chopsticks she claimed had been passed down in her family for generations. Eunoia had no doubt her family was Japanese, but the chopsticks never struck them as "family heirloom" worthy. She frowned when Eunoia walked in.

"What is this, a poor attempt at a coup?" She asked, voice as deep and charming as they could remember. She stood and made her way towards the group, and Eunoia could feel their legs turning to jelly under their teacher's power. Gripps was thankfully there to help hold them up.

"And you brought Blackwing. Cute. But you must know, Martin, that me going back willingly is just as likely as you doing so."

"We're not here for Blackwing." He growled. Nepenthe was shorter than him, and certainly had many more curves, but in no way was she softer. She smoked Frankincense and Bistort in a long cigarette holder, in a blatant misuse of their magic properties; but to her, it didn't matter. Magic flowed through her, even when she misused it.

She exhaled the smoke through her nose before talking again.

"Then pray tell, why did you come to me, with my failure of a prodigal daughter with you, no less."

Eunoia flinched at her words, but she didn't even look at them, instead taking another drag.

"We want answers."

"Oh? You think I'll give them?"

"Nepenthe, you might be able to hide from us, but we're here and there's nothing stopping us from hurtin you." Cross threatened. She just laughed.

"I suppose that's true. What do you wish to know?"

"Why can Eunoia sense us?" Gripps asked, holding tight to their shoulders to keep them steady.

"I'm quite certain anyone can sense you four... five?" She gave Amanda a curious glance for a moment before shaking her head and continuing. "From a mile away. Perhaps invest in a quieter van? We could feel the bass in our floor boards."

Amanda shuffled closer to Gripps and Eunoia and leaned down to whisper to them.

"You lived here, with her, for ten years?"

"Yeah..." they whispered back.

"Dude this place is so cool. And she looks wild. This is sick."

Eunoia chuckled at her and shook their head.

"That's not what we meant, and you know it." Martin said.

"Do I now?"

"Why can they sense Blackwing? Why can they cover up their scent like you?"

"Ah, so you noticed. It's hard for me to tell if you actually have brains up there, with all your growling and vandalism." She glared at Vogel, who didn't seem guilty at all.

"Answer the question." Martin hissed.

"I'm sorry, what question?" She asked innocently with a smile.

Martin rose to his full height and glared down at Nepenthe, who had the decency to look slightly regretful.

"I've seen black suits lurking around. I bet they're wanting their test subjects back. We're lucky, cause it's Riggins. He's a bastard but he likes us. He never liked you. If we were to... bargain, we could easily get off scott free and you'd be the one behind locked bars."

Nepenthe took a step back with wide eyes.

"You wouldn't. You know what they do to us."

"I do what I have to, to protect my family."

She scoffed. "That little creature doesn't know the first thing about family. I wouldn't waste your time trying to teach it, if I were you."

"Answer the question, Nepenthe, and maybe we won't let them show Riggins which rock you're hiding under."

She sighed and took a long drag on her cigarette holder. The home-rolled herb cigarette burned to the last stub, and she knocked it out of the holder with a huff.

"I took Eunoia in before I noticed their power. It's what I do now. I take in girls so they don't live on the streets. I teach magic to the ones with talent. The ones without, I set to work the shop. Teach them the basics of what they're selling so other witches will know they aren't talking out of their asses." She paced back to their throne, where a girl in a robe handed her another cigarette before leaving trough a side door. She set the joint into her holder, lit it, and walked back over to them.

"Eunoia was promising. Then I discovered their power." She walked past Martin, and stood directly before Eunoia. She was taller than them, but if they had put their shoes back on, they would have been eye level with her.

"The inexplicable ability to sense others of great power." She laid a hand against Eunoia's cheek and let her long dark nails drag lightly across their skin. "It's how they found me, and how we discovered that the mayor at the time had great magic potential. A terrible shame that she was a threat to my standing, she would have made a great second in command here. But she just wouldn't comply. I’m sure Blackwing is having fun dissecting her." She patted Eunoia's cheek and turned to continue pacing in front of Martin, using her cigarette holder like a conductor rod to direct her story.

"I was the one to shape it, of course. I saw the potential and they didn't. But they did as I asked. Countless experiments to perfect their power, and to hide their emotions like me. but I never was able to take the anxiety out of it. I tried a variety of tinctures and charms, but nothing worked beyond a few simple breathing patterns. Even then, it only becomes muted. Anxiety is a very difficult energy to mask, you see. I know you see. You found them, after all.

"But yes, I molded their power to sense Blackwing. I can hide, but I cannot sense trouble coming. Eunoia can. If they had a feeling about a new girl, I would kick her out. If they didn't like a new shop placement, I moved the shop. It has kept me off the radar for years. Not one sight of the real agents like your precious Riggins."

"So you made them like this?"

"I made Eunoia into the best possible version of their self they could be. Had it not been for this no-gender crap identity, they would have been perfect." She turned to them with a sickly smile.

"Which reminds me, sweetheart. Should you find that you made a mistake with your identity, and realize that you were a woman all along, I will allow you back with just a little apology."

Eunoia looked away and she frowned.

"The offer stands. I didn't wipe your memory for a reason. We loose something valuable with you gone."

"You don't care about me, you just want to use me."

"As I expect, so do these animals. If you can keep them away from Blackwing, they'll use you just as much as I will."

"B-but they care about me, at least." They responded, not really believing what they said, but instead just trying to make a point to the witch.

"As do I."

"They did something about Carlo, when you sat back and did nothing for ten years."

"Did they beat him up? They're quite good at that."

As she talked to Eunoia, the Rowdy 3 grew more on edge. Vogel was growling from his place at the back of the group, and Martin seemed to almost be puffing up to make himself bigger.

"Martin, dear, you're not impressing anyone with that show. Especially the older projects like me. We are more practiced than you. Getting big doesn't scare us. Come back when you have a real threat."

He growled, and Gripps moved to be slightly in front of Eunoia and Amanda.

"Is that all you wanted? Because I do have people to take care of."

"What else did you do to Eunoia? Why the anxiety?" Cross asked.

"I gave them a home. The anxiety is a part of their Schizotypal personality disorder. Gives them hallucinations and anxiety far stronger than the norm. That is not magic or my doing. Blame all of the disorder on their parents."

"Can I have more of my stuff back?" Eunoia asked quietly.

"You kept all of their stuff." Amanda spoke up. "Thats fucked. You said you take girls off the streets, but you just as easily throw them back out there, and apparently with less to work with. The least you could do is give them more clothes or food to help them out."

Nepenthe stared at Amanda for a long moment, then sighed.

"I suppose you're right. The shop doesn't bring in much, but it's no fair to send them out with nothing." She turned and went back to the throne, and retrieved a medium sized trunk from behind it.

"I was probably going to burn it anyways. I don't want it here. Take it."

Eunoia barely had time to catch it before she dropped it in their general direction.

"Now if that's all, leave. I expect some form of safety from this, Incubus."

Martin just grunted and turned, ushering them all out and making sure he didn't leave anyone behind before they left the shop, hopefully for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Borage - Courage. Drink as a tea for psychic powers.
> 
> let it be known that I am a witch, so references to herbs in the story are going to be pretty accurate. clove should be burned as an incense, and Bistort should be burned together with Frankincense, though I can't support anyone putting any form of heavy smoke in their lungs. please be nice to your body, its unfortunately the only one you've got.


	3. Alyssum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackwing finds out about the Rowdy's new friend. so does Farah Black. one of them fairs much better with this information than the other.

"Oh she was crazy for sure, but you gotta admit she was cool." Amanda said as she sat on the old ratty couch in the abandoned yard. Eunoia groaned.

"Can you please stop talking about her? I'm tired." They spread out on a similarly rotting love seat that faced Amanda's. The last five minutes, they had been feeling the subtle prodding of a hallucination crawling along their back. They used a breathing exercise to ground them to the present and mellow the feeling, but it still sent shivers up their spine. 

"Ok, ok, but just, this one thing." She leaned forward with a bright smile. "Even I couldn't tell she was there until she actually talked. Is that what magic can do? Make you invisible?"

"It can do anything." They groaned, closing their eyes and rubbing their forehead. "If your intent is clear enough and you do it right. But... ugh..."

"Are you ok?"

Eunoia had turned on their side and began breathing unsteadily. Their skin turned pale and clammy and Amanda stared at them with worry.

"Are you-"

"It's your birthday!" They heard Vogel shout, and looked up to see the boys attacking a man in swat gear.

"That would explain- urrgh..." they barely had time to crawl to the back of the love seat before they puked. They felt Amanda lightly touch their back.

"You ok? I should check on them." They glanced through the fence to see there was another Agent-looking man and a standoff was going down. Martin looked pissed.

"Go, I'll be fine. It's just anxiety. I'll join in a sec."

Amanda hesitated, unsure, but Eunoia waved her off.

"Go punch a secret agent or something."

She laughed and nodded as she raced around the fence to join with the Rowdy 3.

There was shouting, but it wasn't anything they didn't already expect from the boys. They were naturally loud. More bile worked its way up out of their nervous stomach and onto the ground behind the love seat, leaving their mouth with a sour taste.

The sudden silence is what worried them.

They heaved a sigh and looked up to see Amanda being held with a gun to her head, and struggled to get up. Once steady on their feet, they raced out to try their version of helping, cause Martin's certainly wasn't working.

"Wait!" They cried, holding onto the brim of their hat to keep it from flying off as they ran. When they reached the group they hunched over and groaned, but held up a hand to signal they weren't done.

"Who are you?" Asked the older swat guy.

"W-wait. Let her go." They motioned to the younger man, and he only held Amanda tighter. She looked scared, sure, but mostly angry.

"Let us all go. If you do I'll tell you where Ne-mmmph!" Martin slammed a hand across their mouth and hissed.

"We promised her we wouldn't."

Eunoia smacked his hand away and glared up at him.

"I didn't pr-promise her shit, and she broke all of hers. She gets what she deserves."

"Start talkin!" The younger man said, pressing his gun firmly against Amanda's temple. Eunoia turned quickly, making their hat flop in such a way that their face was shadowed.

"I can tell you where Project Nepenthe has been lurking."

The older man looked shocked, and the younger confused. He loosened his grip on his gun slightly.

"Wh-what do you know about Blackwing?" The older man asked.

"I'll tell you," they reached into their shirt pocket and hid whatever they had taken in both hands, holding their closed fists out towards him. "If you choose a hand."

"Choose- what are you playing at? Who _are_ you?" He shouted.

"I'll tell you everything I understand, but only if you pick. A. Hand." They leaned back, towards Martin, and he leaned down slightly to hear them.

"Prepare to scatter. I've got a diversion that you will not like getting down wind of."

He grunted, looked perplexed, but backed off to tell the other boys. As the man studied them, trying to determine if he would play their game, they caught sight of Amanda nodding slowly at the boys behind them, so they assumed they had passed their message along somehow.

"Fine. I'll play. But you have to promise."

"Yes sir. Promise I'll tell you."

"Your left hand."

"Is that your final answer?"

He sighed. "Listen, don't play more games with me."

"Ok." They dropped their right hand, and opened their left hand, to show a small cloth bag. They held it up to the men, and the younger had hauled Amanda closer so he could get a look at what they held.

"What is it, sir? A weapon?"

"Smell it!" They responded with a smile.

"What?"

"Smell. I made it myself."

"Do it, Hugo."

The younger man leaned over and took a whiff of the bag.

"Cinnamon?"

"And rosemary, and lavender. It's a charms bag."

"Charms... you're a witch, like Nepenthe." The older man said.

"She taught me. And her hideouts are hard to find. She moves them often to keep you off her path."

"Where is she now?"

"I can't say. Last I could know, she was on summerset. Her building looks like an old worn down witch shop. But she may have already moved it again." They said, and looked at their right hand. "Don't you want to know what is in my other hand?"

"Does it matter?" The older man asked.

"I guess not. But that's all I know about her."

The young man, Hugo, shuffled anxiously.

"I-I want to know Mr. Riggins, sir, it may be dangerous."

"How dangerous could something that small be?" Riggins snapped.

"You won't know, if you don't want to see." Riggins stared at them for a moment, then sighed. Eunoia reached up to scratch their nose, but glanced at Amanda, who was staring at them with anticipation. They covered their nose as they scratched it, winked at her, and sniffed.

"You wanna see? Who knows, it may be a clue to Nepenthe."

Riggins looked resigned. "Fine."

Eunoia opened their hand to show a small vile with a pale lump of something that may have been a root, and some liquid.

"What is that?"

They grinned, brought the Charm bag close to their face, and threw the vial on the ground, smashing it completely.

"Scatter!" They yelled, as a putrid smell escaped from the broken glass. Riggins and Hugo, being the only ones not prepared, stumbled back and choked on the smell. Hugo let go of Amanda in favor of rubbing his eyes as they watered, and she ran around the corner. Eunoia stood in the middle of it, breathing through the charm bag so they weren't affected, until the others had gotten away, and then ran around the opposite corner that Amanda had gone around. Riggins and his lackey were left coughing and gagging on the noxious smell they had unleashed.

* * *

They ran to the next block, then stopped to rest. They knew Martin, at least, had gotten away in the van, but if all of the Rowdy 3 had joined him was a mystery. They didn't have another stink bomb like that on them, so they'd have to stay low to avoid any unwanted attention until they could find the boys or Amanda again.

They sniffed their shirt and immediately put their Charm bag back over their nose. The smell of the Asafoetida plant was certainly a terrible one. Like a dumpster left out in the sun too long, with a bit of sulfur to finish the blow to your nose. 

A wild laugh brought their attention away from their clothes, though. They looked up to see Vogel waving and running towards them with a wide grin spread across his face. They relaxed at the sight of him.

"Dude! That was awesome! I smell terrible!" He exclaimed as he approached. He seemed to be vibrating from excitement. "You were all!" He made a throwing motion. "And the glass went everywhere, and Riggins started crying! I've never seen him cry before!"

"Well it wasn't real crying, the smell made his eyes water." They explained with a laugh. Vogel grabbed their shoulders and shook them.

"But you were great! What was that? Oh man, Martin's gonna be psyched!" He jumped around for a bit and Eunoia laughed at his antics. They didn't think what they did was all that great, the plant did most of the work, but they liked being appreciated.

"Where is everyone else?"

Vogel stopped and thought for a moment, and Eunoia waited patiently. They knew how hard it could be to organize thoughts when they got too fast to handle.

"'Manda's probably going back to the apartment, she went that direction. Martin's in the van, will probably be circling around the neighborhoods to pick us all up. Cross either jumped in the back of the van or bolted down the street with Gripps."

"Should we stay in one place or try to find Martin?"

"Hmm..." he tapped his chin as he thought. "We could go to 'Manda's, Martin will wind up there at some point. And she has a shower."

"Oh, the smell won't come out with a shower."

"What?"

They took the Charm bag away from their nose again and smirked.

"Either you wait for it to fade, which takes a week, or you use a similarly charmed scent. Asafoetida smells horrid, but my stink bombs are hexed to make it way more potent."

"You've got more of that?!" He asked giddily.

"Of course." They smirked. "But seriously, I need to get back to the van. The stuff for taking away this smell is in my box."

"Let's go to a main road, Martin will find us more likely there, then you can get your stuff and we can bring some to Amanda."

They smiled at him and nodded. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

People on the street avoided them like the plague. It made sense, since the smell permeated every inch of them, even the Charm bag had begun to seep with the sulfuric stench. Vogel didn't care about how he smelled, he was too busy bounding in front of people and relishing in their looks of disgust when they caught wind of him.

They waited on the busy street in front of a little red-brick bookstore. There was an old memorial bench on the sidewalk that Eunoia sat on as they watched Vogel have his fun.

The screeching of tires and a loud bass made them look up from Vogel harassing a businessman. Martin had done a terrible job of parking, but didn't seem to care as he jumped out of the van, along with Gripps and Cross. Eunoia stood to greet them, but didn't expect the hug.

Martin had all but ran to them and wrapped them up in a strong hug and lifted, making them leave the ground completely. Their face was pressed into his vest, and got a terrible nose full of Asafoetida. Martin was laughing and howling.

"Alright, I, uh, can see you're happy, but-ugh." They coughed. "I need to get you guys smelling better." They wiggled out of his grasp and ducked under Gripps and Cross when they tried to bring them into hugs of their own. They made their way to the van and pulled their trunk of stuff, newly retrieved from Nepenthe, out from under one of the seats.

As they looked through the vials and herbs, trying to limit the exposure to the Asafoetida smell, they heard one of the four get back into the van with them.

Martin crouched beside them and watched their nimble fingers trace the symbols and lettering of each packet of herbs. They found a small vial, similar to the one they smashed, and pocketed it.

"Always keep one of those on me, when I can." They glanced at Martin and he smirked.

"You saved Amanda."

"Of course. She had a gun to her head."

"That's not something Nepenthe would have taught ya."

"I think," They paused to read the small writing on a vial, "that we've made it clear that I am... I'm... uh, not Nepenthe." They put the vial back and picked up another one, and turned to him. "So what are you really trying to say?"

He was quiet as they uncorked the vial, sniffed it, and screwed a new top onto it.

"That was genius."

"What?"

"The Rowdy 3 don't do things that needs a lot of brain power. We smash stuff, scare people, we even howl at the moon. We've got all the muscle we could need, but we could use more brain. Amanda's smart, don't get me wrong, but we could also use someone with something magic in mind."

Eunoia stared at him and twisted the vial in their hands in a nervous tick. He looked over his glasses and smirked at them.

"Plus I've never seen Riggins keel over crying before. You did a lot more damage than we did, it seems."

"He wasn't crying, it was the smell." They sighed in annoyance.

"Doesn't matter. It got you a place with the Rowdys, if you want it."

"But it was all the plant- wait, what?" They stared at him and he snorted. "I thought..."

"We were gonna let you go after we talked with Nepenthe? I considered it."

Vogel ran up to the van and crawled in, Gripps and Cross following him close behind. They looked up to see Martin looking serious and Eunoia with shock written across their face. The three looked at each other and shrugged before heading farther back into the van.

"You could leave, we ain't gonna force ya. But we'll miss ya from the pile at night."

They laughed and ran a hand through their darker hair, and shook their head with a disbelieving smile. Martin started to get up but they grabbed his hand and he paused.

"H-hold on." They chuckled, "you still smell horrid. Shut your mouth."

"Wait, wha-" they held the vial in front of his face and pressed down on the spray-top they had switched the cork out with. Martin got a mouthful of rose-scented spray.

He stood, spluttering, and the three behind them howled with laughter. Martin gave them a disgruntled look and climbed into the front seat.

"Alright, who's next?" Eunoia asked and went to the back to spray down the other three. They learned from their leader, and kept their mouths shut. 

When they were done and the van didn't smell like garbage, Eunoia went up to the front of the van.

"Amanda's gonna need this too, the smell was hexed, so only this will take it off, unless she wants to wait a week."

Martin nodded, then realized exactly what they said.

"Riggins is gonna be like that for a  _week_?"

"Yep. Unless he has a witch who knows exactly what spell I cast."

Martin howled, making the three pick it up as well. Eunoia found it funny, how dog-like they were.

"Alright, Little Witch, you're not just smart, you're evil, too." Martin grinned, and stepped on the gas. Eunoia held tight to the back of the passenger seat to keep from flying backwards.

They made their way carefully back to the seats and fell back to lay on the one across from Vogel and Gripps. Their head touched Cross's leg, and he scooted them up to rest in his lap, just so he could take their hat off and run his fingers through their hair.

They closed their eyes with a smile. The rosey smell permeating the van would fade in a few days, but they doubted their place in this group would go with it. They felt more at home than they had in actual years, despite only knowing these guys for a day.

* * *

They were shaken awake when they had arrived at the apartment Amanda was staying in. They went to their box, and pulled out their smaller box to take up to Amanda.

"Amanda got caught in the brunt of it." They explained as Gripps and Vogel hovered over them curiously. "And she didn't have a charm bag like me, so she's gonna be a lot worse off than you guys. I'm gonna have to make a stronger mix for her." They continued to carefully place several vials of liquid and herbs into the smaller box, then stood.

"Are you coming up with me?" They asked when none of them really moved to get out of the van.

"We don't want Riggins to see us hanging around one place too much. We're dropping you off and then we'll make sure no one's been following us." Cross said.

"Oh." They moved the box into a more comfortable position and put their hat back on their head. "Which room is she?"

"Third floor, broken door." Gripps said. "You can walk right in."

"We broke the door!" Vogel chipped in.

"Oh...Kay? Well, I'll see you guys." They jumped out of the van, the door slid shut behind them, and they sped off. They were left on the sidewalk in front of a building that gave their weird anxious nerves the heebie-jeebies, with nothing more than a box of herbs and single stink bomb in their pocket.

"Alright." They whispered. " _Alright_." They nodded to themselves, put on a strong face, and walked up the steps of the apartment complex.

* * *

The apartment building was a bit run down and drab, but it was better than the streets. The wallpaper was tan, the carpeting was crusty, and when they reached the third floor, they didn't have to guess about which door was broken, because they could smell the Asafoetida the moment they stepped into the hallway.

It seeped under the crack of a very beat up white door, and Eunoia carefully pushed it open as they rechecked their box for all of their ingredients.

A click brought their attention away from their baggy of dried rose petals.

A very pretty woman with great hair was pointing a very deadly looking gun at them. The gun itself wasn't any more deadly looking than any other gun, it was just the fact that they were standing on the wrong end, and could stare down the barrel of it. The gun was at a very deadly angle, is what they meant.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" The woman asked calmly. She had the privilege of being calm cause she was seeing the gun at one of its good, not deadly angles, Eunoia thought.

"Um."

"What. Are you doing. Here?" She asked, more pronounced, as if Eunoia had not heard her, and wasn't staring down the barrel of a something that could most definitely kill them.

"Is... Amanda here?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"She... she smells bad?"

The woman took a step back and lowered the gun slightly.

"You're telling me. She's taken five showers and a tomato juice bath and it won't go away." She sighed, then looked at them again. "Did you do that to her?"

"It... was a dire situation. The CIA was there... had a gun on her head... I did what I could."

"You made her smell bad. Because the _CIA_ was holding a gun to her head?"

"Yes?"

"Farah? Who are you talking to?" Amanda called from the shower.

"The Asafoetida was hexed, A-Amanda, showering isn't... it's not gonna help." They replied.

"...Eunoia?"

The sound of running water stopped, and a moment later, Amanda walked out of the bathroom in new clothes and wet hair. She looked around and frowned.

"Where are the others?"

"They uh... making sure we weren't followed."

She nodded, then caught sight of Farah, still pointing the gun at Eunoia, even if it was less seriously than before.

"Put the gun down, Farah, they're a friend."

She looked between the two of them then sighed and put the safety back on and set it on the table.

"So, how do I stop smelling like this? You don't smell like it. Or does that just come with being a witch?"

"Witch?" Farah muttered, but went ignored as Eunoia set their box on the counter, next to several broken plates. They tried to ignore how broken the whole apartment was.

They took out their rose petals, lavender, and thistle, and then vials of home-squeezed apple juice, moon water, and Arabic gum powder.

Once all the ingredients were laid out, they brought out their mortar and pestle from the box, and turned to Amanda.

"Do you want to smell more like rose or lavender? The boys smell like rose, but I didn't give them a choice."

Amanda snorted at the image of the anarchist vampires smelling like flowers. "I'm fine with either, as long as I don't smell like garbage."

"Lavender it is then. Harmony is all well and good but too much rose might give me a headache."

They poured two dried rose petals into the pestle, along with several stems of lavender and the small, Bright purple stem-like petals of the thistle, then started grinding it all into a pulp. Amanda sat next to them to watch, and Farah moved to the other side of the counter to get a better look. She seemed very confused by all of this, but also relieved at the pleasant smells that Eunoia's grinding was producing.

They poured a few drops of the apple juice into the mix, but the lavender easily overpowered the fruit scent. The smell of lavender seemed to grow stronger as they ground it, even.

When they uncorked the vial of water, Farah spoke up.

"You know, we've got water, you didn't need to bring your own."

Eunoia raised their eyebrow at her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize that the apartment ran water that has been electrically charged and blessed by the moon through its pipes." They responded, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"What?" Farah just looked lost.

"Regular water doesn't cut it for this magic, I'm sorry to say." They poured a fourth of the vial into the mix and re-corked it. "It was a nice offer, but I know what I'm doing." They went back to mixing and the paste slowly began to dissolve into the water.

When the solution was mostly dissolved and made the water a greenish color, Eunoia added the Arabic gum powder. As it dissolved, the solution foamed.

"Woah, I thought all that bubbling cauldron stuff was an exaggeration!" Amanda said as the foam began to die down.

"Arabic gum is actually one of the reasons why you get a reaction from Diet Coke and mentos. I'm pretty sure if you know how to do it right, you can make a spell from that explosion."

"We are so figuring out how to do that." Amanda said with a nod, and Eunoia laughed.

"Alright, I just gotta bottle this and drop a rune in, and then we'll be set." They took an empty vial from the box and carefully poured the light green concoction into it, then held it out to Farah.

"Could you hold that?"

"Sure..." she hesitantly took it and held it like it would burn her if she held too tight.

"It's not gonna hurt you, I made it with good intent." Eunoia laughed, but Farah didn't relax much. "It'll just be a moment, hold on."

They grabbed a thin sheet of paper and quickly drew a symbol on a corner, then carefully tore that corner off and dropped it into the vial. As it sat in the liquid, it began to disintegrate.

"If it can melt paper, I think it's pretty deadly, pal." Farah said.

"It's rice paper. Made to be eaten, and it dissolves easily. Hand it back now."

They took the vial, popped a spray top onto it, and shook it to get the rice paper to dissolve completely. They turned to Amanda with a smile.

"Ok, close your eyes and your mouth, Amanda."

She complied and Eunoia sprayed her three times before letting her open her eyes again.

"That should clear it up in a few minutes. If not..." they reached into the bottom of their box and pulled out a thin wallet and checked how much cash they had. "I'm going to the store."

They got up, but Amanda stopped them before they could get to the door.

"Why? What do you need?"

"I was looking through my stuff earlier and I'm missing some ingredients. Ginger, peppermint oil, not to mention some clothes, maybe."

"I'll come with you."

"Amanda, are you sure?" Farah asked. "What if you-"

"I'll be fine, Farah. Eunoia has a similar thing, they know what it's like, and can deal with it. I have my meds."

Farah nodded and let them go. In the hallway, Eunoia frowned.

"You know my hallucinations aren't like yours, Amanda. And I can't do what the boys do."

"It'll be fine, I just didn't want her on my case. Farah is awesome, and totally hot, but she's also a little off. She's a great presence for my brother to have in his life, though."

"You have a brother?"

"Yeah, he's kind of an asshole, but he takes care of me. He means well."

"Must be nice."

They made their way down the stairs and out of the building, and Eunoia breathed a sigh of relief. They had barely noticed their rising anxiety until it settled down with the cleaner air.

"Do you have any siblings?"

They were silent for a moment as they thought, and Amanda looked at them curiously.

"The coven was like a family, when I was in it. Everyone was each other's sibling, kind of. Uh... except for the girls who dated. But once you're out they aren't your family any... anymore. I... guess I have a real older sister, though."

"You guess?"

"I haven't talked to her in years. She's a few years older than me and was _everything_ my parents wanted from a kid. Independent, goal-oriented, neat freak like you couldn't imagine." They counted on their fingers as they listed traits. "Fuck, everything that she was, I wasn't. Sure, I was creative, but there's no way that could bring in an income for me." They sneered, then sighed. "Sorry, didn't mean to rant."

"No, it's ok, sounds like that was building up for a while."

"You have no idea."

"I get what you mean, though. Todd is a jerk, but, well, he overcame his illness. He used to have pararibulitus too. Knowing he got over it helps me get up in the morning, but it's also like, what if I never do what he did? It would be so nice to live without worrying, or having people worry for me. And I'm sure you know how terrifying that shit can get." She nudged them with her shoulder as they walked, but they only grimaced.

"Amanda, I keep telling you that mine aren't like that. You've gotta believe me."

Air puffed out of her lungs in a semblance of a laugh.

"Yeah, they don't hurt as bad as mine, they aren't caused by nerve damage. I get that."

"No, I don't hurt. At all. Maybe occasionally I'll get a prick of pain. But for the most part? The sensation ones feel like there are things digging around inside of my body, while I'm numb. Jeez, I-I was hallucinating when you were talking to me before the whole CIA-Blackwing-whatever-thing happened."

"Wait, what? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I-I don't want to trouble you."

"Eunoia, you can't just hide that from me, from us. Were you masking your emotions so the Rowdies wouldn't tell?"

"No, I wouldn't have had such bad anxiety if I had. I've just gotten used to it. It's... it's really not like yours."

Amanda sighed and was quiet for a bit as they made their way through the supermarket parking lot. They passed through the doors and Eunoia headed straight for the produce isle.

It wasn't until they were picking through the ginger roots, searching for the perfect one, that Amanda spoke again.

"I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't understand how it is for you. I mean, I don't know. But you shouldn't feel bad about explaining it to anyone. Especially me."

"Thanks..."

"And I don't know about the boys, but I do feel like you could totally be a part of our little team."

A small smile graced Eunoia's lips as they remembered the conversation from earlier that day.

"Martin offered me a place in the group. Although I'm not sure if the Rowdy 6 has quite the same ring to it."

"Better than 5, cause now we can just have two groups of three."

"Rowdy two groups of three?"

Amanda laughed and they chuckled back, and suddenly the tension that had been building up in them after their outburst earlier had faded away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alyssum - Protection, Moderating Anger.


	4. African Violet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> panic attacks, shit brothers, camping, and fires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone who knows me from my other works knows that "Update schedule" isn't in my vocabulary. even so, sorry for the wait, and I haven't started chapter 5 yet. I won't be around during the summer so who knows when it'll get done.

Living in an old van with a bunch of punk rock cryptids was a very strange change from Eunoia's previous coven hostel situation.

For instance, despite the family ideals Nepenthe had tried to keep, they had never done many bonding activities outside of the magic and the occasional movie night.

Meanwhile, the Rowdy 3 did everything together - sleeping, vandalism, howling at the moon, and apparently, camping.

It wasn’t the kind of camping Eunoia had seen on tv, but there was the wide open sky above a clear meadow, and they were dancing around a very large, very impressive fire pit.

All the more to distract Amanda from what had happened earlier that day.

* * *

Amanda had helped Eunoia pick out some new clothes; mostly leather jackets and jeans she promised to help rip later. They weren’t sure how much they would wear of what she picked out; it wasn’t exactly their style, but it was the thought that counted, and Amanda could always share what they didn’t wear.

Amanda held the clothes bags while they held their other groceries, and they were happily walking back to the apartment Eunoia so dreaded.

“So hopefully the boys will be back by the time we get there, but if not you’re welcome to stay in the apartment with Farah and I.”

“Oh, uh, I’d definitely rather not, that building gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

“Really? Maybe cause my brother is friends with Dirk? He seems like a big player in the Blackwing thing.”

“I don’t know, but I feel like I’m suffocating when I go in there. Maybe you can grab my box and I’ll wait outside with the groceries?”

“Sure. Hey, maybe my brother is there now, you could meet him!”

“As long as he doesn’t make me projectile vomit like the Riggins guy, that’d be cool.”

Amanda laughed and handed her bags over as they walked up the steps of the Apartment building. Eunoia took them and sat on the stairs to wait, only getting a slight nausea.

That is, until a Jeep pulled up, and three people quickly exited it. One man bolted up the stairs, looking nervous, and the other two hung back. Eunoia recognized Farah, but the man beside her made the hairs on the back of their neck stand on end. They froze when he looked up at them and smiled.

“Oh, Eunoia. You know you can go inside, right?” Farah asked.

They didn’t respond. The sheer power radiating off of the man was making them so nauseous that they felt as if their stomach was attempting to fold itself inside out before making its way up and out of them.

“Eunoia? Are you ok? You... holy shit why are you so pale? Are you sick? I have some ibuprofen but...” Farah was checking her pockets, and the man bounced over to sit next to them.

“Well aren’t you something interesting! Eunoia is it? I’m Dirk Gently! How do you know Farah? You really don’t look like you’re doing too well, perhaps you should take whatever Farah offers you-“

They flung themself away from him the moment they felt something actually make its way up their throat. They leaned over the edge of the stairs and vomited violently onto some bushes that didn’t particularly deserve that kind of treatment.

“Eunoia?!” Farah shouted, and they dry heaved before spitting and shakily sitting up again. They wiped their mouth with their hand then rubbed the mess from their hand on the ground.

“Sorry about that...”

“Are you ok? Are you sick?” Farah asked. They just shook their head.

“Not really. It’s hard to explain... ugh... Dirk, no offense, but could you sit further away from me?”

“What? Why?” He looked perplexed, but scooted back a few inches. “You’re not going to puke again, are you?”

“Hopefully not. But you’re giving me s-some real powerful vibes there, I-I-I can’t promise any-anything.” They couldn’t feel their feet as they spoke, and they hoped that Amanda would come back soon.

“What do you mean, vibes?”

They waved their hand around, as if to encompass what they were trying to explain.

“You know, Universe vibes. The boys have it, the government agents had it, Nepenthe had it pretty bad, but you’ve definitely got it the worst I’ve felt... like, uh, ever?”

Dirk’s curiosity seemed to both grow and diminish when he heard them mention Nepenthe.

“How do you know-“

“Amanda! Please listen to me!”

The three of them jumped when the door to the building slammed open and Amanda stormed out with the nervous guy chasing after her. Amanda tossed the box to Eunoia, who caught it after juggling it awkwardly for a moment, then she turned to yell at the man.

“Why should I? You lied to me! To our parents! I never want to see you again!”

Eunoia heard the thrumming of the van before it even rounded the corner, but as soon as they heard it, it was before them and the boys were rushing out to protect Amanda. Before anything could happen, though, several black-clad agent-types seemed to come out of the woodwork to point guns at Dirk and his friends.

It was chaotic, and the raw energy coming from so many people related to Blackwing at the same time had Eunoia panicked.

They stood quickly, despite not knowing where their feet were, and managed to get down the steps before collapsing. They felt eyes on them; from the agents, from Dirk and his friends, and from the boys - though theirs were the only welcome ones.

Gripps reached out for them but their body instinctively shied away, and he didn’t attempt to come any closer.

“What’s wrong with them?” One agent asked, and was promptly shushed by another.

Their body shook, fingers traced their spine, and something inside of them shifted dangerously to the left. People were talking, but Eunoia couldn’t make out what was said over the drumming in their head. Hands - _real hands_ \- grabbed them and one second they were shuddering on the cold sidewalk, and the next they were in the fetal position on one of the seats in the van.

Wary of anything that may trigger another attack, they slowly opened their eyes, only to discover Cross watching them intently, barely a foot away.

“...Cross?” They whispered hoarsely. Their throat burned as if they had tried to swallow some red-hot coals.

He grinned brightly and turned to the others.

“They’re responsive!” He called out, and the others turned to them, even Martin, as he sped down what seemed to be a forest road. How they got so far so quickly was beyond Eunoia.

“Finally!” Vogel cried, crawling over the others to get a closer look. “You were just screaming and screaming for so long! Then you passed out and I thought you were dead cause none of us could feel any emotion from you, not even that anxiety stuff that tastes like sparks... but Amanda did something with your neck and said you were ok? You’re ok, right?”

Eunoia blinked at him, then stared at the others, opened their mouth to say something, _anything_ , but all that came out was a weak croak.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you lose your voice after all that.” Amanda said as she crawled over. “I definitely know how screaming like that hurts.”

She was right, they couldn’t make a sound without feeling like sandpaper was running up and down the inside of their throat. So they just mouthed “screaming?” And sent a perplexed look in Amanda’s direction.

“That’s some warning system Nepenthe worked into you.” Martin growled from up front. His gaze was back on the road ahead. It wasn’t an answer to their question, but Amanda jumped to explain.

“Now that we know how you kind of work, it was pretty clear what was happening the minute you collapsed. You were in a place you had a bad feeling about, and had been standing next to one of Blackwing’s favorite projects to mess with. That paired with those government guys and the boys being mad at my brother, well, it wasn’t a good place for you. As soon as we got the chance, we grabbed you and pulled you into the van, but it seems like when the boys try to eat something big like that from you, your body doesn’t like it at all. At least, that’s what it seemed like to me. You were screaming non-stop for about half an hour then passed out for... three hours.”

Eunoia groaned, despite the pain in their throat, and buried their head in their hands. Cross patted them gently on the back.

The others respected their inability to speak, and went back to talking amongst themselves as they tried to get their thoughts back on track. Cross kept his hand on their back, in a show of protective friendship, as if he could keep away the bad things that happen to them with just a warm hand.

* * *

When Martin finally stopped the van, they were in the middle of nowhere. Nothing but trees and dirt spread out in every direction, but Eunoia thought they could hear a far off train to the north.

Gripps held their hand to help them jump out of the van, just in case they weren’t steady yet, and they smiled at him. He beamed back before bolting away to tackle Vogel, sending up a cloud of dust in their wake.

Amanda jumped out of the van next to them and gave a weak smile.

“Are you ok?” They rasped, and she grimaced.

“No.”

They weren’t the best at comforting other people, but they wanted to at least try. Eunoia took her hand and squeezed, and some tension left her shoulders.

They sent her look that they hoped convey the idea of “ _Wanna talk about it_?”

“My brother never had pararibulitus. He lied to get money.”

“What the _fuck_?” They whispered softly, but with a lot of feeling.

At that, Amanda laughed loudly, and Vogel responded with an excited whoop.

Eunoia tried to say more, but their voice betrayed them and they began coughing instead.

“Let’s sit you down. You’ve had a long day.” Amanda said as she led them to a rusting lawn chair next to where Martin was perched on a log, watching the others.

Eunoia grabbed Amanda’s hand before she could walk away, and started signing to her. They often went mute after panic attacks, so they had learned it just in case, but they didn’t know many people who used it regularly enough to have any conversations. They hoped any of the Rowdies understood a little of it.

‘ _Do you know sign?_ ’

Amanda looked at them oddly, eyes flicking back and forth between their hands and face, which was scrunched up in a questioning look.

“Is that sign language?”

They nodded.

“I think I might remember the alphabet, I learned it as a kid, cause I found diagrams for it on the school playground, but I can’t promise I’m very good.”

That was good enough for them.

‘ _T-O-D-D S-U-C-K-S_ ’ they signed, and Amanda took a moment, before laughing.

“Thanks. I just want to forget about that shit. You guys are so much better than him anyways. Do you need anything to help your throat?”

‘ _T-E-A_ ’

“Do you have any?”

‘ _In my box_.’ They signed, hoping that the sign for box would make enough sense. It was basically making a box with their hands, anyways.

“Your box? Where- you know what? I’ll just bring the whole thing to you.”

They nodded with a smile as she stood and went to the van.

Martin shuffled a little closer on his log.

“What was that stuff with your hands? You can communicate like that?”

They nodded and quirked an eyebrow.

‘ _You want to learn?’_

“What’s that?”

They held up a finger and he watched intently as they signed the alphabet, then looked at him expectantly.

“You want me to do that? Cause I’m lost.”

They shook their head, and mouthed “What was it?”

He looked confused, and asked to see it again. This time, Eunoia mouthed some of the letters, and watched as his eyes lit up in recognition.

“Well fuck, would ya look at that.”

‘ _Your name is M-A-R-T-I-N._ ’

“Why are you telling Martin his own name?” Amanda asked as she returned with their trunk. She dropped it with a dull thud and laughed at their pout.

“Sorry, did I mess that up?”

Eunoia shook their head with a smile and reached over to rifle through their box. They had a bowl they could use as a mug, and plenty of herbs to make a decent tea, but they paused when they realized that there was no hot water.

They looked up and watched their surroundings. Amanda was talking quietly with Martin on his log, Vogel had somehow climbed on top of the van, and was playing some form of king of the mountain with Cross and Gripps that included kicking each other in the face. The whole area, though it was surrounded by trees, was actually pretty bare. There was some tall grass, but right in front of them, the ground was black and charred.

They turned to Amanda and Martin and waved to get their attention. They both looked at them expectantly, but they just pointed to the circle of char.

“We like burning things.” Martin said, and they rolled their eyes. Luckily, Amanda seemed to catch on, and stood.

“Hey!”

The three crawling on the van froze and looked her way. Vogel’s boot was pressed firmly into Cross’s right cheek, and he was seconds from ripping Gripp’s hat off his head, but the moment was frozen in time as they gave their full attention to Amanda.

“You boys wanna make a fire?”

Vogel’s face lit up as if she had told him his birthday was coming early. Within seconds, the three of them were bounding off into the underbrush to collect tinder and wood and scrap to burn, and Amanda was looking quite pleased with herself.

* * *

The boys were adamant on making the biggest fire they could, in order to impress their new recruits. This made tea making a little awkward, because it burned too hot and fast to properly boil water, but Eunioa made do, and after only a few failed, burned teas, they were happily sipping at a lemon and chamomile blend, watching Gripps encourage Cross to try jumping over of the fire.

Their voice no longer felt like sandpaper, so they could finally speak their mind about the situation from earlier. They leaned over to talk quietly to Amanda.

“I’m really sorry about what happened with your brother, and I’m sorry that I kinda stole the stage with all my... you know, screaming.”

Amanda smiled and held their hand. The sun was low on the horizon, so if they were to look up they could see bright stars and Mars as they began to blink into existence.

“I got time to let out my rage in the van, you didn’t ruin anything. I’m still mad, but not at you. Besides, your attack was a good reason to get away from Todd even quicker. I should thank you.”

They frowned and squeezed her hand.

“Even so, I want to state the obvious and tell you that you have family in me, and unless they suddenly change their minds, one in the Rowdy 3 too. You didn’t choose to be related to an asshole like Todd, but you can choose your real family. We’re here for you, and I think that jumping over a fire could really get your mind off of things.”

Amanda laughed.

“You are so right, I gotta try that.”

She stood and ran over to Vogel as he cheered Gripps on while he jumped and jolted to some sort of dance.

Eunoia sat back, sipped their tea, and looked up at the stars. The sun was even lower, and they must have been pretty far from civilization, because small stars they rarely saw were shining brightly.

Martin was still on his log, watching his family, so they tapped his knee and pointed up without even giving him a glance. If he decided to look, that was his decision.

“That’s the Big Dipper.” They said, and pointed northwest, where it was still a little hard to see, what with the sun still being slightly out.

“And you can’t see it with the trees in the way, but if you look South, you’d see Scorpio. It’s one of my favorites to find.”

“Why’s That?”

They shrugged.

“Hmm... I just like the shape. It’s not all straight lines like Orion or the dippers. Plus scorpions are cool.”

Martin laughed and Eunoia saw him point up from the corner of their eye.

“I don’t know constellations but that’s the North Star, right?”

They followed his gaze, to find a particularly bright star. With a quick glance at the constellations around it, Eunoia hummed in agreement.

“Yep. But it doesn’t always face north. Earth’s axis and all that.”

Martin stared up at the sky for another moment before letting out a deep sigh and standing. Eunoia looked up at him when he held his hand out to them. They blinked owlishly at him, not understanding what was happening.

“Come on, you’re missing the party.” He said with a nod towards the others, who were dancing and yowling in a way that made Eunoia think of elves on a blue moon. They smiled at the sight, and took Martin’s hand. While they doubted they would be taking part in any raised voice shenanigans tonight, there wasn’t a little dancing with new family that could hurt.


End file.
